40 Days

I grew up in what I would call a devout Catholic household. My one sister doesn't really like me using those words. She likes to say faith-filled. I understand why my sister says that. Our parents were loving and inclusive, which sadly the current church is not always. But my parents were both. My parents were devout, faith-filled Catholics. They were serious Catholics though for sure. But they also were very Christ like and accepted all of their family with unconditional love. That is what good Catholics do after all. It is supposed to be the universal church after all. True Catholics know this. Good Catholics continue to fight for this daily. After all, the church is the people - the Body of Christ. 

We all went to Catholic schools. My mom in the second half of her life attended mass daily. My dad was an usher. My father's funeral had to align with Catholic theology. My mom pretty much had the same funeral  (she planned both), so hers did as well. On my mom's deathbed, she was truly worried about Catholic teachings - which I found heartbreaking actually. She was having all I can call it was like anxiety about dying due to the Church's teachings. She was lying there worried about the Church's rules and religiosity, when she needed to find peace the most. So, I say they were devout Catholics. 

We went to Mass a lot. As s child, our church was at the end of our block. My best friend Amy and I would walk past a gorgeous Weeping Willow holding hands as girls. We were so Catholic, as was the entire Irish ghetto neighborhood of Southfield, Michigan, where we lived that as kids we actually played Mass with Eucharist and all. Other kids play doctor or whatever. Not us. We played church.  I'm talking hard-core Irish Catholicism. 

People say that Catholics don't know their Bible. That is really not true and insulting and somewhat bigoted and anti-papist. For some reason people can just get away with railing on the Catholic Church, when no one would be allowed to do that to any other religion. Believe me, I know that it is not a perfect institution. I know. But no human construct ever will be. 

Catholics do in fact know the Bible. Our Bible is actually longer than other Bibles with more chapters. If you go to Mass daily, you will hear the entire Bible from front to finish in about two years. If you go to just Sunday Mass, which most of us do as life is very busy with work, kids, etc., then you hear it is 3.5 years. So Catholics indeed know the Bible. We don't, however, know how to drop verses on command. Well some Catholics probably do, but most don't. 

The number 40 appears in the Bible 159 times.  I am paying attention to this. That is important. Forty is a sacred number. Being a statistician (albeit a struggling one), numbers really matter. I personally think we will find out all of the secrets to the Universe through numbers. Forty is a number related to spiritual growth. I am a testament to that. 

I am gonna be honest here - I don't think I have ever fulfilled my Lenten promise for 40 days. I have tried not drinking soda, giving up sweets, not biting my nails, and many more. But I never in my life have made it 40 days abstaining from anything (well that is not true, I was pregnant three times -- see I'm such a codependent that I did it for my kids. This time though, I am doing it for me. Makes a huge, huge difference). If I did make it, the church even let's us have cheat days (St. Patrick's Day being one of them. And St. Joseph's Day -- both my kids' names - ironically), so it was not a true 40 days of abstaining. But I HAVE BEEN ALCOHOL FREE FOR FORTY DAYS TODAY! That's a big deal. And I am just on the beginning really of this lifelong spiritual journey. We all are. 

So why is forty such a sacred number? Jesus was in the desert for 40 days. It took Noah 40 days to build the arc. Lent is 40 days. We celebrate Easter for 40 days after the resurrection. 

I am not God, and I cannot pretend to even know half of the answers. I do not know the answer as to why this is such an important number, but I know it just is. I know my body and mind are healing and that I am getting better every day. I honestly cannot believe how my body is resetting and healing itself. It's kinda amazing. 

I went ten years without drinking supporting someone I love in his recovery. I never drank when pregnant. So this isn't the first time I have been alcohol free for this long. But this time it is different. I got really, very sick there.  I call it the big Ds: Dissertation, Defense, Diploma, Death of Dad and Mom, Divorce, Disease (COVID 19 and addiction), and our Democracy in true crisis. It's been a tough five years. My life was overwhelming. I had a best friend die from alcoholism last October. I was clinically depressed after this occurred. I could not get out of bed.  This rocked my world.  I am realizing how very sick I was. And I am getting better. Praise the Lord. 

I know that this has been a spiritual awakening and that I am feeling more myself than I was when I was drinking. I mean I was a very high-function drinker. I got away with this for 35 years. That is a long time. But today I am in recovery, and for that I am grateful.

My higher power is helping. My nephews Ryan and Brent are in heaven helping. My mom and dad. Albino. I pray to them for strength. They listen and send it. 

Forty is a sacred number and I am so grateful to make it to 40 days clean. It has indeed been life changing. The right people are supporting me. Thank goodness for real friends. I am so much happier. I am not so angry. I am so grateful to have hit bottom. What a blessing - the blessing of bottom. Nowhere to go but up!!!!! Alleluia. Amen.