I got another tat! I love to write. This one is a bit hard to write, however, which I rarely say, but since my brilliant big sister says this story needs to be told, here I'll try:
I lost my beautiful mother on April 8, 2023. Right before her passing, she shared that she had seen the Sacred Heart of Jesus. She had had a stroke. As an English professor, I was like, "Hmmm. This is an unreliable narrator." But it was also my mother who had undying faith in Jesus and was on her way to meet him. She was very freaked out. She sat up in the hospital bed and was scared. Her face was pale. Of course she was frightened. She was facing her imminent death. I knew she was having a hard time passing from this reality to the next. She did not want to leave us. I told her, "Mom, you know the biggest gift Daddy ever gave me was showing me that heaven exists. And you will see him. And you live on in your children and grandchildren. We are literally half of you." I really didn't know how to comfort her. I said, "Mom that's a good thing. That's the ultimate goal isn't it? Seeing the Sacred Heart of Jesus?" And she passed on the Easter Vigil last Spring. She told no one else this event occurred. She left this gift with me to carry. So this is my testimony. Man writing is hard. Here literally is my heart.....
She really did not like that I was drinking. She told me so. But she also understood. Full disclosure - my mom hated tattoos as well. Oh well. She was a fashionista in her era. As my father would always say, "Beauty is pain." :) And I think she would love this tattoo to be honest.
So I hit bottom on May 12th. I cracked and smacked my head pretty hard on more than just the glass ceiling. I was in the throes of substance abuse disorder. My mom and dad had both died in the last five years. I got divorced. I defended my dissertation, after a decade of grad work, while working full-time (which included two pregnancies and births - while I had a little one at home already). I had two hundred year old houses to sell. I also moved. I just had a lot going on. Not to mention this little thing called the pandemic or that little job I have. I'm so tired of society selling women this bill of goods that we can have it all. I guess we can, but at what cost? Well nothing is more valuable now to me than my sobriety and serenity. I know if I lose that, I lose everything.
I do believe my mom did her first miracle with me very early. With my dad's death, I saw rainbows and feathers. But mom got to serious business right away up in heaven. She got me sober. I think she worked through my colleagues, who also are like family and knew I was not in the right place. I have known some of my colleagues since I was 18. So they know me. They knew I was sick. Thank you to all of them. They saved my life.
I actually got sober, again. I had been sober and relapsed for five years. It is true what they say. When you relapse, you go to the next rung of hell. But I got sober this time, for me. I had to. I was so sick of feeling so lousy all of the time. Last time I got sober to support someone else. I was full of resentments. This time I got sober for me. It makes a huge difference. It is so freeing.
I got busy working a recovery program. I am working very hard at this daily. I pray a ton. I have a morning routine. I have surrounded myself with positive friends who support this healthy choice. I am seven months sober now! Life is so much better. All these little miracles keep happening. Really.
Then, fast forward a few months, and I found out that Sr. Ignatia, one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in Akron, Ohio, used to give out the Sacred Heart to patients at the hospital. The story gets even stranger. I was in online therapy, well to be honest, rehab. There internet, I wrote it aloud. I went to rehab. That's liberating to type. I tell my students to be honest when they write. So there ya go. I am actually still in outpatient, online rehab for substance abuse disorder. See you don't really graduate ever from this. The internet is really amazing today and there is so much help out there!
Anyway, my counselor used to work at that hospital in Akron where Sr. Ignatia worked. My therapist sent me the Sacred Heart that Sr. Ignatia used to give out to patients. (Earlier she sent me an "Anger Doll." She is the best therapist ever.) Life sure is a spiderweb of interlocking connections. Blown away. As an English professor, I was aware of the significance of this symbol in my own life now; I have always been fascinated by the Jungian concept of archetypes. The Sacred Heart is now a major metaphor for my life. Sr. Ignatia didn't give out coins. She gave out sacred hearts and told patients that if they relapse, to come back and give it to her so she knew. And the Sacred Heart of Jesus, where does one even begin to explain that? You almost cannot. You have to almost feel it or witness it I guess.
Blown away. So of course I had to have my dear friend Cecilia Maria give me this as a tattoo to share my testimony. Cecilia and I both believe in the healing power of tattoos. They are cathartic. Ironically, this one hardly hurt at all compared to my other two. But I figure if the Sacred Heart is on my body, I can't give it back. Lol. :) Let's hope I never do at least. One day at a time. And Cecilia placed it in a brilliant spot. It moves with me. And if I were to ever pick up a drink, it is staring me right in the face on my right arm. It also is there to greet all that I meet to show that I try to walk in the footsteps of Christ.
My dear friend designed this beautiful piece of art to memorialize these miracles in my life. Cecilia is also Catholic - the kinda of Catholic I am. Well she's probably actually a much better Catholic than I am to be honest. She loves this symbol as well and understands the significance spiritually. Thank you so much Cecilia for being part of the miracle. 
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