So, I hit bottom pretty hard about six months ago. I know some people are like, "you didn't have a problem with drinking" because I have never had legal consequences, have been relatively healthy, and by society's standards have achieved success. But I actually did have a major problem with alcohol. I knew I did the first time I drank. My friends from growing up get it. My college friends also know. Anyone who is really in my life gets it. I never drank like a typical person. And the people who really know me know this is true.
I quit drinking for about six years (or ten if you count my pregnancies/nursing), so I knew I could do it again. But this time it was harder, that is for sure. See Alcohol Use Disorder is a progressive, deadly illness that never gets better - only worse -- unless you abstain completely from drinking alcohol. And that recent time I relapsed for five years is a testament to that fact about this illness.
The first time I got sober I did it to support someone else. And I was full of resentments about it. I now have to own that. I was not really very happy to be not drinking. The strangest fact I have learned in these past six months of recovery is that resentments are actually the number one sign of the disease of alcoholism. So although I thought I was working a program, I really was not because I was resentful all of the time.
I know that drinkers are sorta fascinated with people who are sober and terrified of them at the same time. I promise that I am judging no one. Who the heck am I to judge? So people may read this for multiple reasons. Some will support me, others to judge (which really is about yourself by the way), and others because they are sober curious. I am sharing my story for two reasons. One, writing helps me heal, and two, I might help someone else who can relate, as we have the same illness. You'd be surprised to see how many people share similar stories. It is really bizarre actually. The disease gets us all in the same way in the end. It really does not discriminate. Sure I will check my own privilege here but I know that I am one drink away from turning down a completely different road now.
This time around with sobriety though, I am the one who hit bottom. So I had no choice but to either get my shit together, or eventually, honestly, probably die from alcohol in some way - hitting my head, falling down the stairs, getting in a car crash, who knows. I don't even want to know where that road would have led eventually. So, I got sober - thank goodness.
I was a very high-functioning drinker you see. And I had plenty of enablers. I was scarily high-functioning to be honest. I am actually surrounded by a ton of high-functioning drinkers, so it was so normalized and should I even dare say revered by some? The thing is though, I was not really functioning well. I was completely on autopilot and alcohol was doing all the flying. And there was just a ton of turbulence, and life just kept getting bumpier and bumpier. Now I am like, "How was I even functioning?" I really don't know how I was to be honest. That was such a terrible way to exist. I felt like crap all of the time. My anxiety was beyond -- well just beyond anything I can put into words. My nurse was like, "Molly if you remove alcohol, your anxiety will be so much better." Like most things, she was completely correct.
Six months without alcohol I feel so much better. I now understand that I was super-duper sick. I am now seeing that. I am just so grateful to be feeling well.
See I drank to cope. I went through a horrid divorce and custody battle. I worked full time and got a phd at night. That was uber stressful and burned me out COMPLETELY. I am also a single mom to three kids and have full custody and get zero financial support from anyone. Then I had a terrible situation with power-based dynamics involving my career that was extremely detrimental to my mental, emotional, and psychological health. Spiritually I was completely devoid. Spirits had taken over. I was drinking, honestly, to survive. That's what addicts do. They are surviving only. Not living. They are their disease.
I had a frank conversation with my kids yesterday. We talked about how I hadn't drank for six months.- I am honest with my kids because they too are 100 percent Irish and have the inherited curse from both sides of the family lines. I want them to not be ashamed of this and be honest about it in the hope of breaking generational curses. We are just so lucky to live in a era where medicine is starting to understand this a bit more and there is help out there. Say goodbye to shame. See ya.
I told them, "Hey I screwed up. I am sorry. All I can do is try to make an amends to you all the rest of my life." They are so much happier that I am not drinking. So am I. I said, "I was stressed out okay. I saw some adults in my life growing up who turned to alcohol to cope. Although I promised myself that I would not do that, I couldn't outrun this cunning disease. It was winning. I went through so much stress -- too much stress for anyone, and to just merely survive it all, I drank." I drank because of the political era. I drank because of the power-back tug of war of the patriarchy. I drank because of dating. I drank a lot because of men. Men loved drunk Molly.
I drank because Americans voted that man into office. I drank because I saw good people vote him into office, which broke my heart. But then I drank because of good things too. I drank because it was sunny outside. I drank because I got a raise. I drank because it was Wednesday. I drank because I was golfing. Alcoholics drink for every reason. I drank to cook dinner. I have to own that. We drink for the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the longer you drink, the uglier it gets.
I will tell you one thing, I am not fighting anything anymore - especially not with that ugly frenemy Ethyl. One awesome thing that just happens naturally in sobriety is you lose the fake friends who you only shared alcohol in common with, but your real friends stand the test of time. Your real friends want you healthy. And you make new friends as you rebuild your life. So far, my favorite people are those in recovery. They are working hard to improve themselves. These are wonderful people to be around.
I surrender to serenity - and that my friends has made all the difference. I cannot control the patriarchy. I cannot control sexist beliefs and attitudes. I cannot control structural and systemic oppression and injustice. I cannot control our culture of death or rape culture. I most certainly cannot control all of the egos out there in my profession and beyond (all rooted in complete insecurity btw). I cannot control the Catholic Church. I cannot control the Ivory Tower. I cannot control hyper-capitalism or these wars on the planet. I cannot stop homophobia or misogyny. I cannot stop racism or xenophobia. I can only control me. And now I have to keep it simple. That is the key to my happiness: putting first things first, letting go of resentments, and cherishing my serenity and sobriety at all costs. And anything that threatens either has to be removed from my life. Strong, strong boundaries. I no longer am putting work first. See us addicts, we can be addicted to a few things. I was definitely a workaholic too. Oh and workplaces adore workaholics. No more of that nonsense either. I used to put work before God. Never again. Work is not God. I don't care if you do work for the Church. That too is not God.
I have to put me and my sobriety first, or I will relapse. Sure, I have a great life. But if I drink again, I will lose all the good things about it.
One thing is for sure - sober Molly does not tolerate what drunk Molly did. Drunk Molly tolerated a lot of crappy things. Way too much crap. It is literally why I drank.
That is another gift sobriety has given me - seeing and valuing my worth. Alleluia. Amen. I had a mentor say to me recently, "You know sobriety is enlightenment." That blew me away. And you know what - he is right. All my life I was searching for some kind of enlightenment, and through sobriety, I am getting closer to it now than ever. I am not perfect, and I have hard days. And I may slip. People do. I hope not. I do know I am a hell of a lot better person without that poison in my system or mind. So, one day at a time. It really is the only way to live, for me at least. Today is a gift - be in the present. Peace.
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