My Role Model -- George W. Bush

I know, I never, ever, ever thought I would write this - recovery is a trip - but hrere it goes.  George W. Bush is my role model today. 

Come on - you know, well I know -- that if I ever got the chance to meet W in person, I would like him. He's got that thing. He's likeable. 

George W. Bush got it together. He overcame alcohol abuse and addiction and became President of the United States of America. I love his family too. I freaking love Barbara Bush. LOVE. She reminds me so much of my own grandmother, who was the most beautiful person I have ever seen. 

And, I always think you can judge a person by their children, and I love Jenna Bush Hager. I watch her daily on the Today Show. I love Laura Bush too. And I bet Barb is the coolest. 

So just for today, if George W. Bush can do this, we can. 

Peace! 

Women and Alcohol

So I am part of an amazing generation of women really. We were sold this bill of goods that we could have it all. And guess what? We bought it all. And it is true, to a point. I have it all. I have three beautiful children. I had an 18 year marriage. I have the finest education. I live my vocation and have my dream job. But we have it all at what cost? I for one get tired. That is for sure. Let's be honest for a minute - it is a crazy time. Crazy, crazy, crazy.  No wonder people are drinking now more than ever. Thanks pandemic. 

Two of my role models right now are Brene Brown and Elizabeth Vargas. Both have been honest about their alcohol use. Elizabeth Vargas was outted after a stint in rehab. That is terrible -- whomever did that to her; like what kind of soul sucking loser doesn't respect anonymity? That hurt her, and believe me, I get that, but she has come to realize like I have that sometimes the worst things that you live through end up being the biggest blessings.  It all works together for His good. I don't know how, but it does in the end.  You just have to trust the universe to pull you forward. Now Vargas has written a book about alcoholism and is using her wisdom in recovery to help others. 

Brene Brown is just a rock star. She used to drink. She is honest about that. And she quit. She openly shares how much better her life is now due to that choice. Brown researches how vulnerability actually is our strongest asset. 

Never once did I judge these women when I heard about their drinking. I actually admired them more for their honesty and to hear they were in recovery. They both quit drinking and have killer careers. Both are so smart and beautiful. This disease does not discriminate. They both are working to break the stigma of addiction and mental health issues and help people get well in a very sick society. 

If you hear them both talk about their use of alcohol, so much of it was based on anxiety. Of course there are many other reasons women drink - sex, men, etc. But so much of even that is rooted in anxiety. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. So much of my former alcohol use was about treating those feelings of anxiety. I have social anxiety. I know that everyone thinks I am an extreme extrovert, but I actually test 50/50 introvert/extrovert. Both women quit drinking and their anxiety lessened. That is a miracle That is also occuring for me. I feel so much better not drinking! 

The deal is though, these career women have a lot of pressure. Being a working woman in this patriachal society is tough stuff. Both are extremely successful women. Ontop of that, I think they both have kids. I know Elizabeth Vargas has two  boys. Vargas is a singlemom. Brown is still married. Both single life and matrimony are challenging. 

I know Vargas tells her chldren sorry all of the time. She has two boys. I relate to this so much. You are such a better mom not drinking. Being a mom of any sort is not easy. Being a stay at home mom is so tough. And being a succesful career mom is - no other words - crazy. Both of these women got better though and would not go back. The Sunnyside is a lot better I tell ya! And there is nowhere to go but up! 

Secrets Keep You Sick

So, like my post two days ago said, I have been in recovery before. I do firmly believe that alcoholism is a disease. They know there is a genetic component. There is a debate if we should use the word allergy.  All I know is that my body does not respond to alcohol the way that other people's bodies do. I have one drink and it is like a disability. I cannot stop. I don't have the capacity to have one drink, or two. I ended up having five. Or more. 

Another crazy thing about alcoholism is that alcohol makes me so sick. I mean sick for days. I have headaches. I throw up. I get extremely depressed. I cannot get out of bed. Lately, I got so very angry (for valid reasons, but most people do not categorize me as an angry person. Alcohol brought out that demon though. Sorry.) Yet, for some unknown reason, I always go back for more. That is crazy. As Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." But see alcoholics are addicted. We want that buzz again. That high. The first hit of that chemical to the brain, and you feel good for the first time all day. The pain is gone. It doesn't matter how sick we get after. We are always chasing that buzz. We are always killing that pain. 

So why be so honest? First, that is just how I roll. I tell my students I think it is because I'm a writer. People trust us most when we are our authentic selves, especially with writing (This is why AI won't ever replace humans). Well in my years in recovery prior to my latest and long relapse, I learned somewhere that sick family systems have four rules:

1) Don't talk.

2) Don't tell.

3) Don't trust. 

4) Don't feel. 

I don't have a degree in Sociology or Counseling. My degree is in Leadership, so I took many organizational theory classes. So I am going to apply the dysfunctional family system to organizations too. See part of the reason I am in this mess has to deal with how institutions handled major life events that occurred to me.  Sick and dysfunctional organizations have the same issues that dysfunctional families do. They have these same rules. "Don't Talk." "Don't Tell." "Don't Trust." "Don't Feel." 

But I know if I am really going to heal, I have to break those rules. Healthy people do talk. It is okay to tell your story. In fact, I am an English professor with a literature masters. I love stories. I am a qualitative researcher. Tell your story. Talk to others about it. Get it out there, out of the secrecy and into the light. 

Jesus taught in stories you know. 

Trust is a hard one right - especially after your trust has been violated?  I have had this happen too many times.  But in healthy relationships anywhere including families and workplaces -- in any human relationships -- trust is paramount for healthy communication. 

As for feeling, well that's a tricky one too. Our society is not very good with this. I am not very good with this. Feeling all the feels is hard work. Plus I know I feel things more deeply than others. I have one of those melancholy, artistic souls. I feel sooooooo deeply. Too deeply. That's why I was drinking so much. That is why all my friends were too. 

We all just collectively endured the pandemic. We all have suffered trauma. It is hard to feel all the feels right? So many people were drinking during the pandemic and started such a bad habit. Heck, the entire state of Ohio did "Wine with DeWine" at 2pm daily. Schools and universities were closed, but liquor stores and dispensaries were considered "Essential Businesses." Heck, you could order up to four alcoholic drinks through Door Dash to come directly from a restaurant with a liquor license to your front door. 

Well, I am sick. I have this disease. But I am going to try to be healthy. So I am going to talk, tell, trust (okay that is one is really hard for me, but I will keep trying), and feel (also a tough one since I was self medicating and numbing for two years). Here is to healthy systems. Break the stigma and patterns. Break the generational curses.  Sober is the new sexy! 

Saliente!

Hitting Bottom on the Glass Ceiling

I may use this title for a book someday, so don't steal it or I will sue. Just kidding, sorta. :)

I am gonna start writing about my own recovery journey with the hopes of helping others. I am a month sober today. I am not new to the world of recovery. But this is the first time, I admitted that I have the disease of alcoholism/addiction and tried to get sober. I also am a codependent. My first stint at recovery was for codependency. I quit drinking to help someone I love get sober and support them. This time though, this is for me. What a difference this makes. Last time, I was so resentful. The resentment actually ended the relationship. I have to own my part. They were no angel, but I was really resentful. That is no way to live.  This time, I am feeling so grateful. That is such an important life lesson learned. 

See, I used to catastrophize everything as a younger person. But being fifty now, I know and have experienced the paradox that some of the worst things you live through actually become huge blessings. I know. Life is crazy. But I have learned this important life lesson. So although I hit bottom and smacked my head hard, I am trying to see the blessings because sobriety is the biggest gift you can give yourself. 

I fell off the wagon about five years ago after a divorce. I was newly single and socially awkward again. I was drinking at the bars to meet people. Meet people I did. I was the life of the party often. But, I was dying inside. Here's some advice I hope someone will heed. I don't think you are going to meet your future lifepartner at a bar. I met great people. I actually had a blast, sometimes. I had terrible nights others. But, I don't think I have met my lifepartnter yet. I have had some wonderful reason and season people, but still waiting for the lifetime one. I don't know. I do know I am complicated and maybe I am meant to be a solo artist. Time will tell. I know this first year of sobriety I am supposed to focus on me and this disease and how to manage it as best as I can. 

I have been sober about a month. I feel so much physically better. I wake up early. I am sleeping better. I am sure I am a better mom. That is a definite. I am probably also a better friend, teacher, everything.  I used to have chest pains (after Covid). Those seem to be gone. I have way less heartburn. One month makes a huge difference in healing our bodies. 

Today, I am in a great mood. No headache. I have energy. I can get off the couch. I am not angry. So mentally, today at least, there seems to be some healing going on. I do understand that this is a one day at a time thing.  And yes, my moods do change. So yeah just for today. Here's to emotional sobriety. 

We got the Fairy Tale

You know what's funny, a lot of people think I am perky. I had a snotty colleague once in my career use it as an insult. But the people who really know me, like my family, know that I am actually really melancholy. See, I am one of those artistic souls who feels tortured at times. I am an artist of sorts. I mean I teach writing and have a Master of Arts. I think I just feel things deeper than most. But the thing is - that is me being stupid. I have had such a blessed life and need to have more gratitude about it. 

I had lunch with a dear friend from my PhD program Thursday. She is one of the SMARTEST people I know. I am lucky to know her. And I really admire her. To me, she has the Fairytale. I told her that. I said,  "I was just trying for the Fairytale."  I was. I said, "You got the Fairytale."  She is smart, gorgeous, has a great job, has beautiful kids, and has a great husband. 

But the doctor wisely said, "Molly - no one has the fairytale." And you know what? The doctor was right. 

But she and I do have a Fairytale life. We are PhDs. Work at top universities. We both do jobs that we love and work with beautiful souls. So here is a reminder to both her and myself: we do have the Fairytale, but the truth of the matter is, sometimes life is just hard, even in Fairytales. I mean really, sometimes Fairytales are down right freaky scary. Let's be honest.  

But thank you my dear, dear friend for being there through the statistic classes in which I struggled and now in life when I do the same. But this story is not over. Man sometimes I wish those Fairies in the forest would give me a break! :)

Gen X Women

So it is a very strange time to be a Gen X woman. I was born in 1973. We had a very small class. The birth control pill was created in 1967 and Roe vs. Wade was the year I was born. Thank goodness my mom and dad were Catholic. I was not planned. 

But I do think it a very bizarre experience to be of a generation of women who had more rights than any other women in American history. I feel like I need to remind all of my Gen X female friends about this. We have to make sure that we ensure our daughters and granddaughters have freedoms like we did. We cannot let this go backward. It is. 

We need to keep our voice and keep fighting for women and all the social justice issues of our time. Don't take your freedom for granted. I won't either. People have fought a hard fight for this. We cannot let them take our rights away. Our daughters and granddaughters deserve better. 

Peace! 

The Crucifix on the Tightrope

 The Crucifix on the Tightrope by mks

It’s so crazy

How our lives get entangled

With others, who affect us deeply.

It’s as if it’s really out of our hands.

Part of the grand design, by some intelligent being. 

Then why does it always seem to be so hard?

Today a minister told me wisely

that “tragedy is not from God.

And we may never know the why.

Or if we do, we find out later down the road.”

She is right.

She said, “This is just evil in the world.

But we must not also forget the good.”

It is quite the balancing act —

One at which I struggle —

Wobbling on the highwire

Trying to hold the pole

Like a crucifix

Twenty feet up in the air with unsure footing

About to fall myself,

At least I have a net 

To keep me from below.

“Embrace the struggle like Jesus did,”

She said.

“His life did not end there.

In fact, it offered a new beginning

To rise again, different,

Healed. 

Resurrected to help others.”

To help us.

To help me.

To help you. 

One foot in front of the other,

Toes gripping the wire,

Outstretched hands carrying the weight of the wood,

My ballerina body in a leotard for all to judge, 

In order to hopefully make it someday to the other side.