Half a year alcohol free!

But for the Grace of God

I have been a Catechist for a few years, and one concept that I always struggle with understanding is "Grace." If I don't understand it, then how do I teach it? 

But I try because it is such a beautiful concept. It is such a thing of beauty that is it hard to even put human words to it for description. 

The thing about God's Grace is that I don't think it can be taught. It can only truly be experienced. I guess it is that concept that, in the end, all things work together for His good. What an amazing gift that is. 

I am trying to be pretty honest about my recovery, so I will just own that I used to be a drinker. And I fell a lot. I was not very graceful. One of my best friends of thirty years introduces me as, "You know Molly, she falls a lot." So I use not only the city of Detroit as a metaphor for my recovery, but I also use Grace. I was very disgraceful there in my active alcoholism. But see life is a double-edged sword. I was also a ballerina at one time. So here in my sobriety, I am hoping to get my Grace back. One plie at a time.

Lately, I keep reflecting on lessons from my doctoral program. I guess I learned more in that then I give them credit for. One thing pressed upon us - the PhD Candidates in Leadership - was that all leaders fail. They do. I have failed. I have failed tests. I failed my comprehensive examination. They failed 8/9 of us or something. They gave us a trick question. I still don't know what I did wrong. I failed my quantitative test. So did seven of my classmates. I think they did this to these PhDs in Leadership on purpose. All leaders fail. The good ones learn from it and grow. 

So, I am trying to own my failures. Humility is also a sacred and important concept. I have had to eat Humble Pie as of late. I need to practice more humility. And Lord it is hard to be humble, but sometimes life humbles us - and man do we need it. I need this. I need to turn this around. 

That is the things about God's grace though. No matter how much we fail, He is there is catch us. And he turns it around, if we listen to Him and learn the lesson. 

But for the Grace of God, thank you for my failures. They have taught me that I cannot do this on my own.  I only can do this with the help of a Higher Power. 

Detach with Love

I had a great teacher in high school who taught a class on prayer. I loved that class. Thanks Sr. Corrine. She introduced me to Siddhartha.  Then, I had a serendipitous experience when I taught high school. See teachers really don't get to pick and choose what we teach. It is what the district already owns, and you use that. So I walked in the bookroom and saw this sweet little novella by Herman Hesse. It was meant to be. Thanks to whomever ordered that at MHS. Best people ever. 

 I taught this book to seniors, who are some of my favorite people in the world. They are becoming adults in real time. And this book is very transformative, every time I read it. 

Since this experience, I do call myself a Buddhist. I am a Christian Buddhist. That is a thing. People have so many misconceptions. Buddhism is a way of life, and one way I need to practice more is detachment. 

All of life is suffering is a major precept in Buddhism. We suffer through attachments. The only way to stop the suffering is detachment. And we do this by practicing the Four Noble Truths and Eight Fold Path. 

One frequent enough question that I get when people learn I have a PhD is what was the most important lesson you learned in the program. The most important is that humans are social beings and we exist for each other. Where ever two or more are gathered in his name. That is where we find God - in each other and nature. 

But another major lesson was the concept of Chaos Theory. We really are always in a state of Flux. My life for sure is in a major state of Flux. But sometimes we have to detach and ride the wave because all things in the end work together for His good. 

Amen. Detaching with love. 

Goodbye AA

Yesterday was a sad day in American history. The Supreme Court struck down the legality of Affirmative Action. Believe you me, the Ivory Tower is very Ivory. Now it is just gonna be more and more Ivory, like it was when it started.  

What are we going to do about this ruling? I know that Affirmative Action was never meant to be forever. It was supposed to help people catch up. So, perhaps it is the right time to strike it from the books. Only time will tell. I teach at my alma mater, which of course I love, and we are proudly an Anti-Racist University. We are also private, so the rules may be a little different for us - thank God!

I started to freak out yesterday, but then I spoke with my sister up in Michigan who is very smart.  Michigan is where some of this started. I studied it in depth in my PhD program in Educational Leadership. Affirmative Action court cases were for the University of Michigan Law School at the beginning of the millenium. My sister reminded me of a fact that Affirmative Action has been illegal in Michigan since 2006. I had forgotten that fact. 

Then I said the "Serenity Prayer" -- "Accept the things I cannot change." I try daily but fighting racism, sexism, homophobia - those are systemic issues. One person - little ole Molly -- cannot change an entire culture. But,  "The courage to change the things I can," now that's something I can do. I don't have to get all negative and fight with people in the Twittersphere or whatever over politics. "And the wisdom to know the difference." I get that the only thing I really can do is work with the parts over which I have control - which is really not much. God is in charge though. She's smarter than me, so that is a very good thing. 

I wish we lived in a post-racial society.  I remember ignorantly thinking that we did while Obama was in office. But sadly, we simply do not. Race in America is the worst it has been in my entire lifetime of half a century. 

Thank goodness that recovery is good for me. I would have gotten all negative about this a few months ago. But why even bother getting in a negative space when so much positive work still needs to be done?

So, Michigan had to figure this all out in 2006. America will too. Gosh, I am so proud to be from Detroit, Michigan. What an amazing city.  The heart and soul of America - and she just keeps recovering beautifully and leading the way. Michigan figured this out. America will, and perhaps will be better for it. One can hope right?

All the "-isms"

I do a lecture at least once each term with every class about all the --isms.  In Business writing we talk of course about Capitalism and how even the Catholic church agrees that the most just society is a free market. We talk about Classism and privilege, as I constantly try to check theirs and mine. 

In my composition and literature classes, we learn about Criticism, Marxism (this is not communism - it is a way to interpret literature through patriarchy, property, and power), and Feminism. We learn about racism through writer's like Toni Morrison. I am one of those dangerous Critical Race Theory teachers. (Oh my. I am sooooooo scary. ;) I will be if you take my Toni Morrison away. 

This blog, originally about Detroit, has now morphed into my recovery journey, with the hopes of helping others. What a metaphor huh? Who knew. God is like that. Art is like that. Life is like that. It makes sense later.

I am definitely on a healing journey. It helps me to write. So this is about the disease of alcoholism, but I am not gonna focus on that in this post. I'll talk about another ism -- workaholism. I used to be addicted to working. 

So when I wasn't drinking last time, I was working. I was working, working, working. My world had bottomed out, and I pretty much knew I had to get it together to provide for my family. So what is the smartest thing to ever do? I went back to school, and I did become a doctor. This I know is the best thing I have ever done professionally. My kids will always be the best thing I ever did. Actually, I owe my daughter an apology for being so busy during her childhood. I did the best that I could, but I missed a few soccer games. She always says that she doesn't want to be a PhD. Her dad is finishing a PhD program. She has seen the workaholism and actually checks me on it. I listen. I want to spend more time with my family and friends now. No one ever puts, "I wish I spent more time at work" on their gravestone. 

My daughter was going into kindergarten when I started my PhD program. I had to take two night classes, at least the first year. It was actually an honor. I applied, and they made me join the cohort like two weeks later. Then, they said they were using  me as a model for the new research curriculum. My PhD program is ranked often as the top educational school in America. It simply trains the best teachers. Thank you. Go Flyers!!!! I graduted when she was in high school. That is a long time to be working from like 8:30am -10:00 pm. 

Low and behold, in the midst of the chaos, God sent two more children. I still chugged along. It took me an entire decade.I also flunked one of the nine comprehensive exams. But I did not give up. I persevered. And I graduated with support from my wonderful professors. 

But I know I cannot do that again. I WAS SUCH A WORKAHOLIC. That was not healthy. Look where I ended up. You cannot just replace one obsession with another. And I know so many workaholics. It's like if you aren't a workaholic, then you are not doing your job right. That is absurd.  I am sorry but I think that is just crazy. 

America is at a pivotal time in our nation's history. The choices we make in the next year will determine the course of history for our future. Why do we need to be working hours like this? Where is the time we all need for spirituality and health? When do we rest? When do we relax? When do we spend time with our family?

I swear half the reason I drank was to relax. I am a lot like my Dad. We called him the Energizer bunny. I have soooooo much energy (I didn't at all when drinking - I just laid on my couch. Yuck). But now that I am not drinking, I wake up early, I have energy all day, it is just amazing. I was so tired of feeling sick and tired. But I cannot just go back to workaholism. No thank you. That led me here. 

So I am working on relaxing in healthy ways. I am meditating. I need to break out the yoga mat. I am walking. I am reading. I am writing. I am swimming, I am kayaking - instead of sitting in a bar. And let me tell you, it makes all the difference. So good bye isms -- time to heal. Time to be balanced and healthy. Maybe hyperfocus on any one thing is a dangerous place to be. Seems to be in my life at least. Saliente

40 Days

I grew up in what I would call a devout Catholic household. My one sister doesn't really like me using those words. She likes to say faith-filled. I understand why my sister says that. Our parents were loving and inclusive, which sadly the current church is not always. But my parents were both. My parents were devout, faith-filled Catholics. They were serious Catholics though for sure. But they also were very Christ like and accepted all of their family with unconditional love. That is what good Catholics do after all. It is supposed to be the universal church after all. True Catholics know this. Good Catholics continue to fight for this daily. After all, the church is the people - the Body of Christ. 

We all went to Catholic schools. My mom in the second half of her life attended mass daily. My dad was an usher. My father's funeral had to align with Catholic theology. My mom pretty much had the same funeral  (she planned both), so hers did as well. On my mom's deathbed, she was truly worried about Catholic teachings - which I found heartbreaking actually. She was having all I can call it was like anxiety about dying due to the Church's teachings. She was lying there worried about the Church's rules and religiosity, when she needed to find peace the most. So, I say they were devout Catholics. 

We went to Mass a lot. As s child, our church was at the end of our block. My best friend Amy and I would walk past a gorgeous Weeping Willow holding hands as girls. We were so Catholic, as was the entire Irish ghetto neighborhood of Southfield, Michigan, where we lived that as kids we actually played Mass with Eucharist and all. Other kids play doctor or whatever. Not us. We played church.  I'm talking hard-core Irish Catholicism. 

People say that Catholics don't know their Bible. That is really not true and insulting and somewhat bigoted and anti-papist. For some reason people can just get away with railing on the Catholic Church, when no one would be allowed to do that to any other religion. Believe me, I know that it is not a perfect institution. I know. But no human construct ever will be. 

Catholics do in fact know the Bible. Our Bible is actually longer than other Bibles with more chapters. If you go to Mass daily, you will hear the entire Bible from front to finish in about two years. If you go to just Sunday Mass, which most of us do as life is very busy with work, kids, etc., then you hear it is 3.5 years. So Catholics indeed know the Bible. We don't, however, know how to drop verses on command. Well some Catholics probably do, but most don't. 

The number 40 appears in the Bible 159 times.  I am paying attention to this. That is important. Forty is a sacred number. Being a statistician (albeit a struggling one), numbers really matter. I personally think we will find out all of the secrets to the Universe through numbers. Forty is a number related to spiritual growth. I am a testament to that. 

I am gonna be honest here - I don't think I have ever fulfilled my Lenten promise for 40 days. I have tried not drinking soda, giving up sweets, not biting my nails, and many more. But I never in my life have made it 40 days abstaining from anything (well that is not true, I was pregnant three times -- see I'm such a codependent that I did it for my kids. This time though, I am doing it for me. Makes a huge, huge difference). If I did make it, the church even let's us have cheat days (St. Patrick's Day being one of them. And St. Joseph's Day -- both my kids' names - ironically), so it was not a true 40 days of abstaining. But I HAVE BEEN ALCOHOL FREE FOR FORTY DAYS TODAY! That's a big deal. And I am just on the beginning really of this lifelong spiritual journey. We all are. 

So why is forty such a sacred number? Jesus was in the desert for 40 days. It took Noah 40 days to build the arc. Lent is 40 days. We celebrate Easter for 40 days after the resurrection. 

I am not God, and I cannot pretend to even know half of the answers. I do not know the answer as to why this is such an important number, but I know it just is. I know my body and mind are healing and that I am getting better every day. I honestly cannot believe how my body is resetting and healing itself. It's kinda amazing. 

I went ten years without drinking supporting someone I love in his recovery. I never drank when pregnant. So this isn't the first time I have been alcohol free for this long. But this time it is different. I got really, very sick there.  I call it the big Ds: Dissertation, Defense, Diploma, Death of Dad and Mom, Divorce, Disease (COVID 19 and addiction), and our Democracy in true crisis. It's been a tough five years. My life was overwhelming. I had a best friend die from alcoholism last October. I was clinically depressed after this occurred. I could not get out of bed.  This rocked my world.  I am realizing how very sick I was. And I am getting better. Praise the Lord. 

I know that this has been a spiritual awakening and that I am feeling more myself than I was when I was drinking. I mean I was a very high-function drinker. I got away with this for 35 years. That is a long time. But today I am in recovery, and for that I am grateful.

My higher power is helping. My nephews Ryan and Brent are in heaven helping. My mom and dad. Albino. I pray to them for strength. They listen and send it. 

Forty is a sacred number and I am so grateful to make it to 40 days clean. It has indeed been life changing. The right people are supporting me. Thank goodness for real friends. I am so much happier. I am not so angry. I am so grateful to have hit bottom. What a blessing - the blessing of bottom. Nowhere to go but up!!!!! Alleluia. Amen. 

GIRLCRUSH:Can I grow up to be Glennon Doyle?

My all time recovery superstar though is Glennon Doyle. I was introduced to her by my best friend Alissa during Covid-19 through a book club via Zoom full of very cool ladies. We read some great books including I Know Where the Crawdad Sings (thats a joke I know the real title. If you have to explain a jok it's not funny any more - just a literary joke about Paul Laurence Dunbar,) and Untamed. EVERY FEMALE, WELL EVERYONE, NEEDS TO READ UNTAMED!!!!!!

In researching Doyle, I found that there is this industry for writing called "Quit Lit," which says much about our era. Well to me at least, Doyle is queen of that genre. And I will be her humble servant.  Doyle is so brave; she writes about her substance abuse, eating disorder, and sexuality openly without shame. I will proudly write in this vein too. I will write for my two nephews and countless former students who were casualties in this Opioid War. I do live in Dayton, Ohio, on the frontlines, where they have to sometimes rent trailers for morgues because  the brick and mortar ones are full; we have lost far too many people to this War. 

I will write for all of the younger people in my life. Don't drink and don't do drugs. 

That don't drink one is harder for me too. I get it. But at least, for this one day at a time, don't do it. Don't pick it up. Then before you know that one day has turned into 36!   Yay me!!!! WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo