Total Eclipse of the Heart

I teach a class on the Simpsons, and the theme is "God has a Sense of Humor." I truly believe she does. I know the only way I make it through this life is to laugh a lot. 

I lost my mom on April 8, 2023. That was Holy Saturday. It's been about a year - and what a year it has been. I feel like she is upstairs pulling strings for me from Heaven. I quit drinking alcohol. I fell in love with a man who unconditionally loves me, and I also got involved in some incredible projects including the Oregon District Seed of Life Mosaic and Memorial Event. I also am writing a very important play with a friend. God is really, clearly at work in my life, for which I am grateful. I know mom has something to do with that. She definitely helped form my faith. It is actually the biggest gift she and my father left me. 

But God has a sense of humor. So I had to survive Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday remembering that she passed last year. This event did not go unnoticed. My mom, who was the most devoted Catholic you ever met, passed on the holiest evening of the year. It is when the Easter Vigil begins in the Church, to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. 

I am having to grieve this anniversary doubly hard this year though because my mom's actual anniversary of her death is April 8th, which also happens to be the eclipse. This is a big deal where I live, as we are in the path of totality. My children do not have school. My university is cancelling classes for all of us to watch it. And again, I cannot let this event go unnoticed. It is also the day that my mom passed into the heavens last year. 

Grieving does come in waves. We cannot really control when they crash, and this year they are crashing with Easter and the Eclipse. 

Both of these events are showing me that there is more to this life than just the here and now. I have no clue what the afterlife is actually like, but if my parents are indicating anything to me, it is magical and supernatural and beautiful - as the natural cycles of life are on this planet.  And the beauty of this eclipse - supernatural and breathtaking. Truly sublime. 

Sacred Heart - If you know you know.....

I got another tat! I love to write. This one is a bit hard to write, however, which I rarely say, but since my brilliant big sister says this story needs to be told, here I'll try:

I lost my beautiful mother on April 8, 2023. Right before her passing, she shared that she had seen the Sacred Heart of Jesus. She had had a stroke. As an English professor, I was like, "Hmmm. This is an unreliable narrator." But it was also my mother who had undying faith in Jesus and was on her way to meet him.  She was very freaked out. She sat up in the hospital bed and was scared. Her face was pale. Of course she was frightened. She was facing her imminent death. I knew she was having a hard time passing from this reality to the next. She did not want to leave us. I told her, "Mom, you know the biggest gift Daddy ever gave me was showing me that heaven exists. And you will see him. And you live on in your children and grandchildren. We are literally half of you." I really didn't know how to comfort her. I said, "Mom that's a good thing. That's the ultimate goal isn't it? Seeing the Sacred Heart of Jesus?" And she passed on the Easter Vigil last Spring. She told no one else this event occurred. She left this gift with me to carry. So this is my testimony. Man writing is hard. Here literally is my heart.....

So my mom stopped drinking in her fifties. I don't even know the exact time. But she did. And for that I am so grateful. See we are a hundred percent Irish. We have the curse. But mom didn't let it win. She was so strong. She quit drinking and lived to be 87. We got a great thirty or forty more years of life with her. 

She really did not like that I was drinking. She told me so. But she also understood. Full disclosure - my mom hated tattoos as well. Oh well. She was a fashionista in her era. As my father would always say, "Beauty is pain." :) And I think she would love this tattoo to be honest. 

So I hit bottom on May 12th. I cracked and smacked my head pretty hard on more than just the glass ceiling. I was in the throes of substance abuse disorder. My mom and dad had both died in the last five years. I got divorced. I defended my dissertation, after a decade of grad work, while working full-time (which included two pregnancies and births - while I had a little one at home already). I had two hundred year old houses to sell. I also moved. I just had a lot going on. Not to mention this little thing called the pandemic or that little job I have. I'm so tired of society selling women this bill of goods that we can have it all. I guess we can, but at what cost? Well nothing is more valuable now to me than my sobriety and serenity. I know if I lose that, I lose everything. 

I do believe my mom did her first miracle with me very early. With my dad's death, I saw rainbows and feathers. But mom got to serious business right away up in heaven.  She got me sober. I think she worked through my colleagues, who also are like family and knew I was not in the right place. I have known some of my colleagues since I was 18. So they know me. They knew I was sick. Thank you to all of them. They saved my life. 

I actually got sober, again.  I had been sober and relapsed for five years. It is true what they say. When you relapse, you go to the next rung of hell. But I got sober this time, for me. I had to. I was so sick of feeling so lousy all of the time. Last time I got sober to support someone else. I was full of resentments. This time I got sober for me. It makes a huge difference. It is so freeing. 

I got busy working a recovery program. I am working very hard at this daily. I pray a ton. I have a morning routine. I have surrounded myself with positive friends who support this healthy choice. I am seven months sober now! Life is so much better. All these little miracles keep happening. Really.

Then, fast forward a few months, and I found out that Sr. Ignatia, one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in Akron, Ohio, used to give out the Sacred Heart to patients at the hospital. The story gets even stranger. I was in online therapy,  well to be honest, rehab. There internet, I wrote it aloud. I went to rehab. That's liberating to type. I tell my students to be honest when they write. So there ya go. I am actually still in outpatient, online rehab for substance abuse disorder. See you don't really graduate ever from this.  The internet is really amazing today and there is so much help out there! 

Anyway, my counselor used to work at that hospital in Akron where Sr. Ignatia worked.  My therapist sent me the Sacred Heart that Sr. Ignatia used to give out to patients. (Earlier she sent me an "Anger Doll." She is the best therapist ever.) Life sure is a spiderweb of interlocking connections. Blown away. As an English professor, I was aware of the significance of this symbol in my own life now; I have always been fascinated by the Jungian concept of archetypes. The Sacred Heart is now a major metaphor for my life.  Sr. Ignatia didn't give out coins. She gave out sacred hearts and told patients that if they relapse, to come back and give it to her so she knew. And the Sacred Heart of Jesus, where does one even begin to explain that? You almost cannot. You have to almost feel it or witness it I guess. 

Blown away.  So of course I had to have my dear friend Cecilia Maria give me this as a tattoo to share my testimony.  Cecilia and I both believe in the healing power of tattoos. They are cathartic. Ironically, this one hardly hurt at all compared to my other two. But I figure if the Sacred Heart is on my body, I can't give it back. Lol. :) Let's hope I never do at least. One day at a time. And Cecilia placed it in a brilliant spot. It moves with me. And if I were to ever pick up a drink, it is staring me right in the face on my right arm. It also is there to greet all that I meet to show that I try to walk in the footsteps of Christ.  

My dear friend designed this beautiful piece of art to memorialize these miracles in my life. Cecilia is also Catholic - the kinda of Catholic I am. Well she's probably actually a much better Catholic than I am to be honest. She loves this symbol as well and understands the significance spiritually. Thank you so much Cecilia for being part of the miracle. 

Cecilia  Maria Tattoo is at Tend and Flourish on Brown Street. It's a Women's Business Collective for Wellpreneurs. If you need to document any miracles on your own body, she is your person!   

I have accepted finally that I just do not have a typical life, so buckle up buttercup - let's enjoy this ride. Peace and Happy New Year! God is bigger than this all. Never, ever forget this. We are serving a very big God. Sobriety is showing me this. Alleluia and amen. "Sobriety is enlightenment," as a friend told me. 

Half a year alcohol free!

But for the Grace of God

I have been a Catechist for a few years, and one concept that I always struggle with understanding is "Grace." If I don't understand it, then how do I teach it? 

But I try because it is such a beautiful concept. It is such a thing of beauty that is it hard to even put human words to it for description. 

The thing about God's Grace is that I don't think it can be taught. It can only truly be experienced. I guess it is that concept that, in the end, all things work together for His good. What an amazing gift that is. 

I am trying to be pretty honest about my recovery, so I will just own that I used to be a drinker. And I fell a lot. I was not very graceful. One of my best friends of thirty years introduces me as, "You know Molly, she falls a lot." So I use not only the city of Detroit as a metaphor for my recovery, but I also use Grace. I was very disgraceful there in my active alcoholism. But see life is a double-edged sword. I was also a ballerina at one time. So here in my sobriety, I am hoping to get my Grace back. One plie at a time.

Lately, I keep reflecting on lessons from my doctoral program. I guess I learned more in that then I give them credit for. One thing pressed upon us - the PhD Candidates in Leadership - was that all leaders fail. They do. I have failed. I have failed tests. I failed my comprehensive examination. They failed 8/9 of us or something. They gave us a trick question. I still don't know what I did wrong. I failed my quantitative test. So did seven of my classmates. I think they did this to these PhDs in Leadership on purpose. All leaders fail. The good ones learn from it and grow. 

So, I am trying to own my failures. Humility is also a sacred and important concept. I have had to eat Humble Pie as of late. I need to practice more humility. And Lord it is hard to be humble, but sometimes life humbles us - and man do we need it. I need this. I need to turn this around. 

That is the things about God's grace though. No matter how much we fail, He is there is catch us. And he turns it around, if we listen to Him and learn the lesson. 

But for the Grace of God, thank you for my failures. They have taught me that I cannot do this on my own.  I only can do this with the help of a Higher Power. 

Detach with Love

I had a great teacher in high school who taught a class on prayer. I loved that class. Thanks Sr. Corrine. She introduced me to Siddhartha.  Then, I had a serendipitous experience when I taught high school. See teachers really don't get to pick and choose what we teach. It is what the district already owns, and you use that. So I walked in the bookroom and saw this sweet little novella by Herman Hesse. It was meant to be. Thanks to whomever ordered that at MHS. Best people ever. 

 I taught this book to seniors, who are some of my favorite people in the world. They are becoming adults in real time. And this book is very transformative, every time I read it. 

Since this experience, I do call myself a Buddhist. I am a Christian Buddhist. That is a thing. People have so many misconceptions. Buddhism is a way of life, and one way I need to practice more is detachment. 

All of life is suffering is a major precept in Buddhism. We suffer through attachments. The only way to stop the suffering is detachment. And we do this by practicing the Four Noble Truths and Eight Fold Path. 

One frequent enough question that I get when people learn I have a PhD is what was the most important lesson you learned in the program. The most important is that humans are social beings and we exist for each other. Where ever two or more are gathered in his name. That is where we find God - in each other and nature. 

But another major lesson was the concept of Chaos Theory. We really are always in a state of Flux. My life for sure is in a major state of Flux. But sometimes we have to detach and ride the wave because all things in the end work together for His good. 

Amen. Detaching with love. 

Goodbye AA

Yesterday was a sad day in American history. The Supreme Court struck down the legality of Affirmative Action. Believe you me, the Ivory Tower is very Ivory. Now it is just gonna be more and more Ivory, like it was when it started.  

What are we going to do about this ruling? I know that Affirmative Action was never meant to be forever. It was supposed to help people catch up. So, perhaps it is the right time to strike it from the books. Only time will tell. I teach at my alma mater, which of course I love, and we are proudly an Anti-Racist University. We are also private, so the rules may be a little different for us - thank God!

I started to freak out yesterday, but then I spoke with my sister up in Michigan who is very smart.  Michigan is where some of this started. I studied it in depth in my PhD program in Educational Leadership. Affirmative Action court cases were for the University of Michigan Law School at the beginning of the millenium. My sister reminded me of a fact that Affirmative Action has been illegal in Michigan since 2006. I had forgotten that fact. 

Then I said the "Serenity Prayer" -- "Accept the things I cannot change." I try daily but fighting racism, sexism, homophobia - those are systemic issues. One person - little ole Molly -- cannot change an entire culture. But,  "The courage to change the things I can," now that's something I can do. I don't have to get all negative and fight with people in the Twittersphere or whatever over politics. "And the wisdom to know the difference." I get that the only thing I really can do is work with the parts over which I have control - which is really not much. God is in charge though. She's smarter than me, so that is a very good thing. 

I wish we lived in a post-racial society.  I remember ignorantly thinking that we did while Obama was in office. But sadly, we simply do not. Race in America is the worst it has been in my entire lifetime of half a century. 

Thank goodness that recovery is good for me. I would have gotten all negative about this a few months ago. But why even bother getting in a negative space when so much positive work still needs to be done?

So, Michigan had to figure this all out in 2006. America will too. Gosh, I am so proud to be from Detroit, Michigan. What an amazing city.  The heart and soul of America - and she just keeps recovering beautifully and leading the way. Michigan figured this out. America will, and perhaps will be better for it. One can hope right?

All the "-isms"

I do a lecture at least once each term with every class about all the --isms.  In Business writing we talk of course about Capitalism and how even the Catholic church agrees that the most just society is a free market. We talk about Classism and privilege, as I constantly try to check theirs and mine. 

In my composition and literature classes, we learn about Criticism, Marxism (this is not communism - it is a way to interpret literature through patriarchy, property, and power), and Feminism. We learn about racism through writer's like Toni Morrison. I am one of those dangerous Critical Race Theory teachers. (Oh my. I am sooooooo scary. ;) I will be if you take my Toni Morrison away. 

This blog, originally about Detroit, has now morphed into my recovery journey, with the hopes of helping others. What a metaphor huh? Who knew. God is like that. Art is like that. Life is like that. It makes sense later.

I am definitely on a healing journey. It helps me to write. So this is about the disease of alcoholism, but I am not gonna focus on that in this post. I'll talk about another ism -- workaholism. I used to be addicted to working. 

So when I wasn't drinking last time, I was working. I was working, working, working. My world had bottomed out, and I pretty much knew I had to get it together to provide for my family. So what is the smartest thing to ever do? I went back to school, and I did become a doctor. This I know is the best thing I have ever done professionally. My kids will always be the best thing I ever did. Actually, I owe my daughter an apology for being so busy during her childhood. I did the best that I could, but I missed a few soccer games. She always says that she doesn't want to be a PhD. Her dad is finishing a PhD program. She has seen the workaholism and actually checks me on it. I listen. I want to spend more time with my family and friends now. No one ever puts, "I wish I spent more time at work" on their gravestone. 

My daughter was going into kindergarten when I started my PhD program. I had to take two night classes, at least the first year. It was actually an honor. I applied, and they made me join the cohort like two weeks later. Then, they said they were using  me as a model for the new research curriculum. My PhD program is ranked often as the top educational school in America. It simply trains the best teachers. Thank you. Go Flyers!!!! I graduted when she was in high school. That is a long time to be working from like 8:30am -10:00 pm. 

Low and behold, in the midst of the chaos, God sent two more children. I still chugged along. It took me an entire decade.I also flunked one of the nine comprehensive exams. But I did not give up. I persevered. And I graduated with support from my wonderful professors. 

But I know I cannot do that again. I WAS SUCH A WORKAHOLIC. That was not healthy. Look where I ended up. You cannot just replace one obsession with another. And I know so many workaholics. It's like if you aren't a workaholic, then you are not doing your job right. That is absurd.  I am sorry but I think that is just crazy. 

America is at a pivotal time in our nation's history. The choices we make in the next year will determine the course of history for our future. Why do we need to be working hours like this? Where is the time we all need for spirituality and health? When do we rest? When do we relax? When do we spend time with our family?

I swear half the reason I drank was to relax. I am a lot like my Dad. We called him the Energizer bunny. I have soooooo much energy (I didn't at all when drinking - I just laid on my couch. Yuck). But now that I am not drinking, I wake up early, I have energy all day, it is just amazing. I was so tired of feeling sick and tired. But I cannot just go back to workaholism. No thank you. That led me here. 

So I am working on relaxing in healthy ways. I am meditating. I need to break out the yoga mat. I am walking. I am reading. I am writing. I am swimming, I am kayaking - instead of sitting in a bar. And let me tell you, it makes all the difference. So good bye isms -- time to heal. Time to be balanced and healthy. Maybe hyperfocus on any one thing is a dangerous place to be. Seems to be in my life at least. Saliente